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Thread: In The Shadows

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    durham, sc
    Posts
    190

    Default In The Shadows

    This message was too short so I'm making it longer so I can post.
    Freeze this moment a little bit longer
    Make each sensation a little bit stronger

  2. Default

    The photo is excellent - the text is good, but I think a few minor 'tweaks' would make it better. "Crickets sung" should be crickets sang. "Sunlight poked" might be better as sunlight trickled ( or something like that). "Uphill race" might work better as uphill struggle.

    Minor stuff to consider - other than that "run it"!


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Zanesville, Ohio
    Posts
    271

    Default

    East Seattle DS?
    Chris Crook
    photojournalist

    pictures and yap

  4. #4

    Default

    Having seen this image earlier onlist, it was fun to now see how Jonathan blended words to the photo. I think he did a good job.

    If you want to polish this essay up a bit, think about your ending. To my read, it ends a little abruptly. You do a great job of setting the scene with your lead-in, apply some of the same with your ending. After the train passes, bring the darkness, the end of the day in as gradual as darkness actually falls.

    What I'm talking about here is not something as detailed as your lead, but a couple of sentences, a short paragraph at the most.

    "Flange squeel filed the air. The "fred finally sneaked past, it's flashing red light no match for the appetite of the deep shadows that were now gobbling the last land forms of the Foss River canyon. The sound, the roar that so dominated my mind and ears, like the day was fast fading. All that remained in the darkness were the cricketts and the river to guide me home. The day was over."

    Bring me back full circle.

    Martin Burwash

  5. #5
    TomNanos Guest

    Default

    The shot is superb, you can feel the ground shake. I've got to go with Martin on the text though - the ending is a bit lacking. Give it a bit more of a closing and you've got a winner. My vote is edit that then give it another whirl.

    -Tom

  6. #6

    Default

    I say approve as is. My comments on Jonathan's text were of a minor enough nature not to require a re-do.

    Martin Burwash

  7. #7
    paul@mwr Guest

    Default

    A decent enough short essay to accompany an excellent photo. This makes three votes to send this to the clamoring public for further discussion.

    I agree with Jon & Martin that the last paragraph leaves something to be desired, but hopefully that will generate some discussion and ideas. Martin's text would be a nice finish, but I think that sounds like Martin and not Jonathan. One or two more sentences describing the disappearing light and train would probably suffice in my opinion.

    I do like how Jonathan laid out the essay. It would be interesting, but potentially difficult, to have the text gradually change from white at the top to the color of the title at the bottom. Although just a tad "brighter" gray might be nice too.

  8. #8

    Default

    Exactly Paul, and I meant to point that out. Jonathan was there, it was his experience, so he needs to be the one to "bring us home." That paragraph was merely an example.

    Martin Burwash

  9. #9
    eatontmdrgw Guest

    Default

    I'll say what has already been said, I was just getting into it when "the day was over", a few more sentences could've wrapped it up nicely. I really enjoyed the photo and the story though, the photo has a life of it's own when it's accompanied by the text. You should be proud of that photo Jonathan, it is a very stunning shot.

    TME

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